I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
