I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
