I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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