It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
