woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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