wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
