This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
