It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
