Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
