Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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