Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
