Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
