Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
