i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
