Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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