Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I look better un-naked...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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