Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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