ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
