If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
