if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
