What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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