one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
