Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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