she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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