Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
