Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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