just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
