On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
