ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
