Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
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He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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