dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
