i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
