I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
