Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
