Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
