He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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