Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
