allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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