Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
