I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
