i love accidental penises.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
