I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
