My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
