Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My penis needs a shock collar
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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