So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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