Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
