Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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