I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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