it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
