this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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