this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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