I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
