It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
